Personal stories and scenarios are delicately interwoven with the specific steps of reflective listening, making this book relevant to those from all walks of life. A must-read for anyone interested in maintaining positive relationships! http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=23038 Please Listen to Me!, asking questions while attempting to listen is the #1 stumbling block to effective communication. Let's take another look at why this is so.

Questions are notorious for interrupting the natural flow of thought and speech. When we ask a question, this abruptly stops the speaker's train of thought and forces his thought processes to change direction in order to formulate a response. Now, both the speaker and the listener are off course! In fact, the speaker might never return to the same point in that conversation.

Questions also have a way of stimulating more questions. It doesn't take long for the "would be" listener to become more concerned (or even consumed)with asking the questions that come to mind than with listening to the speaker.

When we ask a question (or several), we are essentially telling the speaker that the answers to our questions are more important to us than what the speaker is attempting to say!  And, if we're honest with ourselves, many times our questions are irrelevant to the real issue the speaker is attempting to share anyway.

Asking questions also puts us (the would-be listener) in control of the conversation, rather than allowing the speaker to be in control. Unfortunately, because so many of us have such little experience with real listening, we are not comfortable being in the "passenger" seat of communication. As a result, we attempt to regain control as well as comfort by "steering" the conversation with our questions.

If there would be just one of the 10 stumbling blocks that I wish everyone would try to eliminate, it is the stumbling block of Asking Questions. We would all be amazed at how much more we would hear and learn if we would refrain from interrupting the speaker with our questions!

Now, having said that, there are times during a conversation that it is relevant and essential for the listener to ask for clarity. In my next blog entry, I am going to address an acceptable alternative to asking questions while listening to someone. You might be surprised at how easy it is, with just a bit of discipline, to turn your questions into statements!]]> Tue, 23 Feb 2010 09:54:20 PST http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=23038 http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=22765
DON'T SHOOT THE WOUNDED

Chorus:
Don't shoot the wounded, they need us more than ever
They need our love no matter what it is they've done
Sometimes we just condemn them, don't take the time to hear their story
Don't shoot the wounded, Someday you might be one

It's easy to love the people who are standing hard and fast
Pressing on to meet that higher calling
But the ones who might be struggling, we tend to judge too harshly
And refuse to try and catch them when they're falling
We put people into boxes and we draw our hard conclusions
And when they do the things we know they should not do
We sometimes write them off as hopeless and we throw them to the dogs
Our compassion and forgiveness sometimes seem in short supply
So I say...
(Chorus)

We can love them and forgive them when their sin does not exceed our own
For we too have been down bumpy roads before
But when they commit offenses outside the boundaries we have set
We judge them in a word and we turn them out and we close the door
Myself, I've been forgiven for so many awful things
I've been cleansed and washed and bathed so many times
That when I see a brother who has fallen from the way
I just can't find the license to convict him of his crimes
So I say...
(Chorus)

That doesn't mean we turn our heads when we see a brother sin
And pretend that what he's doing is all right
We must help him see his error, we must lead him to repent
Cry with those who cry, but bring their deeds into the light
For it's the sick that need the doctor, and it's the lame that need the crutch
It's the prodigal who needs the loving hand
For a man who's in despair there should be kindness from his friends
 'Lest he should forsake the fear of almighty God and turn away from God and man
So I say...
(Chorus)

I Thessalonians 5:14 ~ "And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone."

Copyright 1982 Sea of Glass Music]]> Tue, 16 Feb 2010 07:59:33 PST http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=22765 http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=22639
I heard it again recently when I had the opportunity to listen to a friend who is suffering with a very painful physical condition. As “Ashley” began to share with me about her physical problem, she gradually moved to a more sensitive issue -- the judgment she feels from others, especially Christians, and the advice, sometimes even admonishment, they so quickly give her.

Ashley had had a very difficult week due the demands of the holiday season. Attending various social gatherings had taken its toll on her physical body and she was experiencing more pain in her body than usual. And the pain and stress was wearing her down emotionally as well. An individual whom Ashley would have called a “friend” noticed that she was down. The “friend” decided to encourage Ashley by giving her “spiritual” advice. However, instead of being encouraged, Ashley became more discouraged. This "friend" didn't take time to listen to Ashley's heart... Never gave her a chance to share her true thoughts and feelings. Instead, Ashley was subjected to a lengthy one-sided discussion of the things she should be doing to improve her mood and her situation.

It is so easy to nonchalantly offer advice and solutions when we’re not the one who is hurting! It is so sad that, after an experience such as this, those who are hurting no longer desire to be in the company of such "friends." At the very least, they do not feel comfortable sharing freely with someone who has hurt them by attempting to fix the situation or tell them what they should have done differently. This only results in adding insult (in the form of guilt and shame) to the injury.

Have you read the biblical account of Job lately? He had “friends” who did the same to him. It was not helpful. And those “friends” were eventually reprimanded by God.

We all need to realize that a person who is hurting physically is sometimes experiencing emotional pain as well. The hurting individual needs someone to listen and demonstrate compassion; not someone to judge or offer cheap advice.

I am convinced that many times we hurt others out of ignorance. Many times people really do have good intentions but are just not aware of how hurtful their comments really are. God has given me a burden to teach others that one of the greatest ways to be compassionate is to listen with our hearts. This is not a skill that comes naturally to most of us, but it IS a skill that anyone can learn.

Oh God, where are the people who are willing to listen to those who are hurting? This is a question that has haunted me for more than 30 years.  I pray that God will raise up true Christ followers who are willing to put the needs of others before their own and learn how to truly listen to the hearts of others.]]> Fri, 12 Feb 2010 07:35:58 PST http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=22639 http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=22366
I won't kid you -- It can be daunting, even overwhelming, to attempt to change habits that have been ingrained into our lifestyle and interactions for the duration of a lifetime. However, before any long-term effective change can occurr, two things must be in place.

In order to change our habits of communication, we must have two things: first, we must have an awareness of the need for change in our communication practices; and, second, we must have the desire to change.

As anyone who has ever tried to improve themselves knows, old habits die hard. We must be diligent if we want to replace those habits with newer, healthier ones. It takes a lot of effort and practice. And, we should not become discouraged if our interactions become more difficult before they actually become easier and more rewarding (which they will, if we are determined to persevere!).

Unless we are already skilled in reflective listening, we will probably go through a painful time as we gain an awareness of how our former communication practices have negatively affected our relationships with others. When we realize how our use of the various stumbling blocks in the past has actually hindered effective relations, it is a very sobering moment.

However, we must not stop there! We can be encouraged by this because the fact that we are now becoming aware of this indicates that we are on the right track. Being aware is the first step to making the changes that are necessary to improve our communication with others. Desiring change enough to pursue it is the second step -- and leads to wonderful results!

So, how long will it take to really learn the skill of reflective listening?  It depends on how badly we want to learn it and how hard we are willing to work to achieve it.


"To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well."  
                                                                                                  ~ John Marshall
]]> Sat, 6 Feb 2010 08:25:19 PST http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=22366 http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=22191
BELIEF #6: A primary purpose for life is to love, care for and help others.

What we spend our time on is what we believe is important. If we spend more time playing with our material "toys" and worrying about our "stuff" than we do nurturing and listening to people, then we are not accomplishing what God has put us on this earth to do.

People are eternal. Mortal, yes. But also eternal. We have the option of living forever. People are the only thing we can take with us from this life into the next.

When we reach out to others with compassion and love, we are fulfilling the biblical mandate of Matthew 6:20: "Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal."

By listening to someone, we might also have the opportunity to share Jesus and the gift of eternal life with them. (See Belief #5)

If we are willing to embrace these six beliefs as our own, we are well on our way to becoming successful reflective listeners!]]> Wed, 3 Feb 2010 08:52:11 PST http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=22191 http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=22149
BELIEF #5: Listening can have spiritual significance.

By this, I mean that we have to be careful to not discredit listening and label it as a "non-spiritual" activity. Listening can be an evangelistic tool. Most people in our world of lost souls will be more receptive both to us and to the message of God's love if we first demonstrate our love and compassion for them. One of the greatest ways to demonstrate love and compassion for someone is to listen to him. When we take the time to really hear the issues of the heart of another person, we validate him as a unique and loved individual. 

Listening also enables us to develop rapport and trust with another person. Once we have established a trusting relationship, we can pray for opportunities to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with them. But we need to be careful to listen to them first or they might feel as if we are only preaching at them, instead of really caring about them.

We can't love what we don't know. We get to know someone by listening to what is on his heart.

I have found this statement to be true:  "People won't care how much you know until they know how much you care." 

Care about someone today -- Share God's love with another today -- Listen with your heart today! ]]> Mon, 1 Feb 2010 09:13:47 PST http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=22149 http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=22023
BELIEF #4: It is important to listen to others without demonstrating an attitude of judgment or condemnation.

This is a crucial belief to embrace because when we judge the speaker or condemn her for her actions, thoughts, or feelings, she will most likely shut down and stop being open with us. In order to listen well, we must suspend judgment and condemnation.

In Luke 6:37 we are given this admonition: "Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you."

Mary Field Belenky, consultant on human development, challenges us with this truth:  "Really listening and suspending one's own judgment is necessary in order to understand other people on their own terms.... This is a process that requires trust and builds trust."

Listening without judging tends to be more difficult for individuals who are in positions of authority. If we can focus on listening without entertaining judgmental thoughts toward the speaker regardless of the topic or issue, we will be better equipped to hear her turmoil and feel her pain or joy. It becomes much easier to empathize with someone when we set aside our own feelings and attempt to understand the emotions she is experiencing.

I want to clarify here that empathizing with someone does not mean that we agree with or condone sinful behavior. Nor does empathizing with the speaker mean that we ignore an issue that warrants discipline or correction. We do, however, want to provide a safe place, as much as it is possible, for the individual to explore and express what is on her heart. And, as we truly listen reflectively, we can offer just that.

For more information on my book Please Listen to Me! or about the seminars Joanne and I offer, please visit www.peopletopeopleministries.org

Join our fan page on Facebook (People to People Ministries) or follow us on Twitter @Pple2PpleMinist
]]> Thu, 28 Jan 2010 08:26:31 PST http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=22023 http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=21911
BELIEF #3: Even though the skill might seem unnatural or mechanical at first, it can be one of the most powerful communication tools a person can possess.

When we begin to practice the skill of reflective listening, it often feels awkward or unnatural at first. Our mind is consciously thinking about the technique (and working hard to refrain from each of the stumbling blocks!) and we might think we are coming across to the other person as clinical or impersonal. The truth is that we are probably listening more effectively than ever before! 

And keep this truth in mind too: The other person is not aware of what is going on in our mind. They can't see all of the thoughts that race as we discipline ourselves to really listen. In fact, they will very likely sense that they are being heard and validated.

Here's more good news -- As we persevere and continue to practice reflective listening, we will find that our conscious efforts eventually become unconscious actions. (How quickly this shift occurs depends upon how diligently we practice the skill!)

And because reflective listening is a skill, it requires conscious effort and concentration initially. In this way, it's similar to learning how to ride a bicycle or drive a vehicle. For a beginning driver, learning to drive requires much concentration and may even feel mechanical as they check off the things they must do before going on the road. The more frequently we get behind the wheel and consciously go through the routine, the more quickly that routine becomes an unconscious habit.

Few people give up learning to ride a bike or drive a car just because of the amount of effort involved. Those who persevere become quite adept at these skills even though many other distractions might fight for their attention. The same is true for those who seriously desire to become reflective listeners. If we determine to fight through the feeling that it's mechanical or "fake," we will undoubtedly become more effective listeners and communicators.
]]> Tue, 26 Jan 2010 07:28:54 PST http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=21911 http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=21736
BELIEF #2: I am not responsible to have the answer or to solve the problem for the person I am listening to

Yes, that's right!  We do not need to "fix" anything for the other person. We will be more effective if we can relieve ourselves of this responsibility and lighten our load as a listener. A good listener is simply "there" for the other person -- providing an understanding heart or a shoulder to cry on, as the case may be.

Sadly, this is one of the most difficult beliefs for many would-be listeners to adopt. One reason for this could be that we have been conditioned for most of our lives to help those who come to us. Our minds quickly think of the various ways that we might offer assistance. 

Strange as it might seem, the other person usually doesn't want "assistance," at least not in the form of an answer or a solution. That generally isn't what they're looking for anyway! And, regardless of what we may think, we often do not have the answer. It is presumptuous to assume that any one of us has the solution or knows the answer to someone else's problem, even though a solution might appear "obvious" to us.

We also need to keep in mind that there is a very good possibility that the issue that has been presented is only a "presenting problem" and not even the real issue. It often takes a long time and a lot of effective listening for a person to get to the real issue they are dealing with.

It is so very important for the effective listener to not give in to wrong thinking and the temptation to "fix" something or provide an answer. One of the greatest reasons for this is that when we attempt to solve something we will undoubtedly fall into the trap of any number of the stumbling blocks in trying to do so -- such as asking questions to get more information so we can provide the answer, giving advice, answering questions, and self-editorializing. And finally, when we find that we can't solve their problem we resort to reassuring them.

If we cannot come to terms with the truth that we do not need to have the answer or fix the problem for the speaker, we will have a very difficult time becoming a good reflective listener. Our only responsibility is to be there for the other person. The sooner we realize this, the more quickly we will master the skill of reflective listening.

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing... not healing, not curing... that is a friend who cares." 
~ Henri Nouwen]]> Fri, 22 Jan 2010 08:19:22 PST http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=21736 http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=21652
BELIEF #1:  Listening is more about the other person than it is about me.

When someone relates a problem or conveys something he is excited about, it is so easy to think of our own experiences and feelings. Though we may think we are responding positively and being helpful to the other person when we talk about our own experiences while listening, this response only serves to shift the focus from the speaker to ourselves.

The focus must remain on the other person if we are to be a reflective listener. We may need to consciously remind ourselves (silently, not aloud) that we are there for the other person. Self-centered people rarely become effective listeners because they always manage to shift the focus to themselves rather than allowing the focus to remain on the speaker.

Even though each one of us wants to be listened to and understood, we must keep in mind that when we are listening to someone else, it is about that person. It's not about us at that time. It takes practice to refrain from inserting our own opinions, advice, questions, and even reassurances (these are stumbling blocks and will impede effective communication!) when our goal is to listen reflectively.

If we find that we have shared our own experiences during a time when we realize we should be listening (it is SO easy to do!), we mustn't give up on ourselves or the listening experience! We simply need to redirect the focus back to the other person (i.e. hand the "pen" back to them) and allow the listening process to continue.

Next time I'll discuss Belief #2.  You might be surprised -- and hopefully relieved -- to learn what it is!

Happy Listening!
]]> Wed, 20 Jan 2010 05:16:07 PST http://richardfetzer.authorweblog.com/default.asp?date=new&permid=21652