Please Listen to Me!

WE MUST ALSO LISTEN TO GOD!

Thu, 5 Aug 2010 09:47:46 PST

If you love someone, you want to listen to them. You want to hear what they have to say. You want to know them in a deep and personal way, and the only way to do that is to listen to them.

All of us know people who talk, talk, talk, and aren’t really interested in listening to the other person in the conversation. They’re very tiresome people, aren’t they? Through their constant talking, what they really communicate is that they are the most important person in the relationship. What they’re really saying is, “I want you to know me, but I am not very interested in knowing you.” When you do get a word edgewise, they are pretty likely to interrupt you with their response, even before you’re finished with what you’re saying. They lack a still center where they’re content to be still and hear what the other person has to say.

How often do we do that to God? Every time we pray and don’t take time to listen, we become that hyper-talkative person. How would it be if we were actually still before God and paid attention to what He had to say?

At our prayer breakfast last Saturday, we talked about the difference between reflexive and reflective listening. A reflexive listener listens with her reflexes. She’s always thinking about what she’s going to say next, in response to the speaker. She’s not really focused on what’s being said. A reflective listener, on the other hand, takes time to reflect on what’s being said. She may even reflect, or repeat, what she thinks she’s heard back to the speaker for clarification. The reflective speaker actually wants to understand.

When you pray, do you take time to listen to God, or do you just say your prayers, say “amen,” and then you’re done? Why are you praying to begin with—to have God know you more? He couldn’t possibly know you more than He already does! You’re praying so that you can know God more. And for that, you’ve got to listen.

“Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening (1Samuel 13:10).”

Thoughts borrowed from: http://revgregsmith.blogspot.com/2010/03/partnering-in-prayer-lenten-devotion_26.html

HOW TO RESPOND TO QUESTIONS WITHOUT ANSWERING THEM!

Mon, 2 Aug 2010 16:46:28 PST

If you're not sure where to begin your journey of improving your communication skills, let me suggest that you practice NOT answering questions presented to you. It's pretty simple, really, and is a great place to start.

Refraining from answering questions is a great way to begin to get out of the way in a conversation and allow the speaker to take you (the listener) where he needs to go. You'll be amazed at how most people will continue sharing what's on their heart when you simply don't answer their questions!

The first thing to settle in our minds is that just because someone asks us a question really does not mean that they want us to answer it! Yeah, I know, that sounds ridiculous. But once you try it, you'll see what I mean.

A skilled listener is one who frees himself from the responsibility of answering the speaker's questions or resolving the speaker's problems. As a listener, we must relieve ourselves of this obligation and instead take strides to refrain from answering any questions.

Here's how... and there are several ways to avoid answering a question, for those of you who like to have options!

Option #1: REFLECT
This is where we reflect back to the speaker -- in statement format -- what we have heard him say.

Ex:
     Speaker: "What do you think I should do?"
      Listener's response: "It sounds as if you're not sure what you should do."

Option # 2: DEFLECT
When deflecting, the listener essentially lets the speaker's question deflect off of him as he changes the speaker's question into a statement and bounces it back to the speaker for a response. Deflecting a question gives us the opportunity to let the speaker know that the most important thing is not how we feel, but how he feels.

Ex:
     Speaker: "What do you think I should do?"
     Listener's response: "Right now I'm more interested in what you think you should do."

Option # 3: INSPECT
When we respond to the speaker's question using the inspecting option, we invite the speaker to provide more information. We do this WITHOUT ASKING A QUESTION! All of our responses will be in statement rather than question format. Inspecting is a very non-threatening, non-invasive way of seeking more information without asking a question.

Ex:
Speaker: "What do you think I should do?"
  Listener's response: "I'd like to hear some of the things that you've already done."

Option # 4: IGNORE
The fourth alternative to answering a question is to not respond to the question at all. This is called ignoring the question. Ignoring the question is the best option for the listener when the speaker is sharing a lot of information in the midst of the listening experience. When we respond to a question with silence, it gives the speaker time to think. And, it's fun to watch as many times the speaker will continue on and answer his own question!

Have fun practicing the four options to not answering a question! Make a mental note of the responses you get. Does it feel awkward to you to not answer a question or doesn't the speaker even notice?

We'd love to hear about your experiences as you practice becoming a better reflective listener!

UNDERSTANDING FEELINGS AS A LISTENER

Mon, 19 Jul 2010 07:25:55 PST

Today I've chosen to have a guest editorial because Debbie Elder sums up so well the aspect of "feelings" when it comes to listening effectively.

THE POWER IS IN THE FEELINGS!

By Debbie Elder

Have you ever tried to comfort a child, friend, spouse, or co worker only to be at a loss for words? Often times in life we don't have all the answers and the good news is the people we are trying to comfort know that. What is important is that you listen and understand what they are feeling. Often when unhappy feelings are denied or dismissed we become more upset. Even a logical solution doesn't always seem to help.

Feeling as though you have been heard is a rare thing. How many times have you told your story to an uninterested, multi-tasking listener? Active listening requires an individual to nod, respond with words like "oh" or "mmm," and in some cases, name the feeling. Reflective listening lets the speaker know that you understand the feelings behind what is and is not being said. Reflective listening provides a mirror for the speaker so they can see themselves more clearly. When using open responses you can let the speaker know you understand the message and have heard the feelings behind the words.

Good listeners are also aware of the non-verbal communication. Our actions, facial expressions, and tone of voice communicate whether or not we are listening. We can communicate non-verbally through a smile, a frown, or a pat on the back. When we respond non-judgmentally by accepting the feelings and meaning of the speaker, both verbally and non-verbally, we strengthen empathy and communication.

"They don't care what you know, until they know you care" summarizes the point. A good listener is sensitive to the feelings that accompany the message. Validating a person's feelings allows them to move forward and find a solution, even if the solution is to accept the situation and move on.

http://nationalhomeschoolacademy.blogspot.com/2010/05/power-is-in-feelings.html

REMINDER: BIBLICAL REASONS FOR BEING A LISTENER

Fri, 16 Jul 2010 09:56:56 PST

Here are some convincing reasons from the Holy Scriptures, God's inerrant Word to us, why we should purpose to become listeners:

James 1:19 – "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry . . ."

Proverbs 18:13 – "He who answers before listening — that is his folly and his shame."

Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 7b – "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven . . . . a time to be silent and a time to speak . . ."

Proverbs 18:2 -- "A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart."

Philippians 2:4 – "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

I Corinthians 10:24 – "Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others."

It’s not about us —
It’s about what God wants to do through us
and how He will use us to touch lives
if we are yielded to Him!

(Scripture reference quotes taken from the New International Version of The Holy Bible)

ENCOURAGING HONESTY IN OTHERS

Thu, 27 May 2010 05:08:02 PST

It's been a while since I've blogged here, but I hope to catch up and continue to offer tips and short stories that will encourage you to pursue the skill of reflective listening. It truly is one of the best ways I know to demonstrate compassion toward others!

Author Max Lucado in his book Cast of Characters makes a simple yet profound statement. On page 48 he states: “Kindness has a way of inviting honesty.” Listening to one who is struggling is one of the kindest things a person can do. Jesus in John 8:32 said, “ You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” Many people fear being honest about their feelings or their situation because they feel judgment will be the result. If we want someone to be honest with us, we must first demonstrate that we will listen and not judge them. Asking questions, giving advice, answering questions and self-editorializing can be ways we subtlely judge others.

When we listen reflectively, however, we provide a safe environment for people to share honestly. Helping them get in touch with their real feelings is an important step to helping them become free. Please endeavor to help your loved ones, acquaintances and even strangers become free. Please listen to others without judging them.

HOW TO CHANGE A QUESTION INTO A STATEMENT

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 07:13:48 PST

In order to encourage the other person to speak openly with us, we need to be willing to use a gentle, invitational approach. Questions, especially when several are used back to back, can be seen by the speaker as invasive and intrusive. Depending on how the question is presented, it can even feel to the speaker as if we are demanding information from him.

Let's think for a moment of the people we don't particularly care to share any personal information with. Among various other reasons, perhaps one reason is because they tend to interrogate us with their "need to know" questions. I don't know anyone who really enjoys being interrogated.

Changing a question into a statement greatly increases the potential for positive interaction to take place between the speaker and the listener. This should always be our goal in communication!

Most questions can be restated in a less invasive format and presented to the speaker as a statement. For example, consider how differently the speaker might respond to a statement such as "I sense that something is bothering you" versus "What are you so upset about?"

Remember, the key is to be invitational, not intrusive.

Here are some more questions that have been rephrased as statements:

Question A: "What made you decide to buy that car?"
Statement A: "You must have had a good reason for buying a Prius."

Question B: "How did you ever get into that situation?"
Statement B: "I'd be interested in how that happened."

Question C: "What was she doing there?"
Statement C: "I'm curious as to why she was there."

In each example above, the speaker is likely to respond with the same information whether presented with a question or a statement. However, the flow of the speaker's thoughts is not interrupted when he is presented with a statement rather than a question.

We need to keep in mind that a question generally demands a response, whereas a statement invites a response.

Let's practice today turning those questions that come into our mind into statements and presenting them to others as an invitation to share more freely with us.

CHANGING QUESTIONS INTO STATEMENTS

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 06:57:49 PST

The temptation to ask questions is the most difficult hurdle for would-be listeners to overcome. As I outline in Chapter 3 of my book Please Listen to Me!, questions will inevitably come to our minds as we are listening. This is a normal function of the brain. However, in order to ensure and promote effective communication, we need to resist the temptation to voice those questions. The listening experience must focus on the speaker and, as I've said before, questions serve only to shift that focus back on to the questioner. Rather than using questions to steer the conversation, as listeners we need to relinquish control and allow the speaker to lead the way.

Therefore, if we want to become better listeners, we will need to work at eliminating the questions that come to our minds. One way to do this effectively is to change those questions into statements. Indeed, the skill of changing questions into statements for the purpose of listening reflectively requires practice and perseverance, but almost always results in effective communication.

Although we might argue that asking questions is one way to demonstrate our interest in what the speaker is conveying, a skilled listener can actually communicate more effectively by using statements rather than questions. This is because the brain responds differently to a question than it does to a statement.

Questions interrupt the natural flow of thought and speech. Anytime a speaker is presented with a question, he is forced to stop and his brain must shift gears in order to formulate an answer. The practice of asking the speaker a question, especially multiple questions, may impede or even bring the conversation to a complete stop. This makes it crucial for us as aspiring reflective listeners to learn how to change questions into statements.

Even though the practice of changing questions into statements may require a major adjustment in our thinking and may not come naturally at first, it will definitely have a positive impact upon our communication. We will be amazed at the ease with which the listener speaks when we refrain from interrupting him with our agenda of inquiries.

In the next entry, we are going to take a look at how this is possible.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ASKING QUESTIONS??

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 09:54:20 PST

As I've outlined in my book Please Listen to Me!, asking questions while attempting to listen is the #1 stumbling block to effective communication. Let's take another look at why this is so.

Questions are notorious for interrupting the natural flow of thought and speech. When we ask a question, this abruptly stops the speaker's train of thought and forces his thought processes to change direction in order to formulate a response. Now, both the speaker and the listener are off course! In fact, the speaker might never return to the same point in that conversation.

Questions also have a way of stimulating more questions. It doesn't take long for the "would be" listener to become more concerned (or even consumed)with asking the questions that come to mind than with listening to the speaker.

When we ask a question (or several), we are essentially telling the speaker that the answers to our questions are more important to us than what the speaker is attempting to say! And, if we're honest with ourselves, many times our questions are irrelevant to the real issue the speaker is attempting to share anyway.

Asking questions also puts us (the would-be listener) in control of the conversation, rather than allowing the speaker to be in control. Unfortunately, because so many of us have such little experience with real listening, we are not comfortable being in the "passenger" seat of communication. As a result, we attempt to regain control as well as comfort by "steering" the conversation with our questions.

If there would be just one of the 10 stumbling blocks that I wish everyone would try to eliminate, it is the stumbling block of Asking Questions. We would all be amazed at how much more we would hear and learn if we would refrain from interrupting the speaker with our questions!

Now, having said that, there are times during a conversation that it is relevant and essential for the listener to ask for clarity. In my next blog entry, I am going to address an acceptable alternative to asking questions while listening to someone. You might be surprised at how easy it is, with just a bit of discipline, to turn your questions into statements!

DON'T SHOOT THE WOUNDED!

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 07:59:33 PST

As a follow-up to the true story I shared in a recent entry, I want to share with you today the words to a relevant song called "Don't Shoot the Wounded." May we all be more inclined to be agents of love and healing rather than guilt and shame.

DON'T SHOOT THE WOUNDED

Chorus:
Don't shoot the wounded, they need us more than ever
They need our love no matter what it is they've done
Sometimes we just condemn them, don't take the time to hear their story
Don't shoot the wounded, Someday you might be one

It's easy to love the people who are standing hard and fast
Pressing on to meet that higher calling
But the ones who might be struggling, we tend to judge too harshly
And refuse to try and catch them when they're falling
We put people into boxes and we draw our hard conclusions
And when they do the things we know they should not do
We sometimes write them off as hopeless and we throw them to the dogs
Our compassion and forgiveness sometimes seem in short supply
So I say...
(Chorus)

We can love them and forgive them when their sin does not exceed our own
For we too have been down bumpy roads before
But when they commit offenses outside the boundaries we have set
We judge them in a word and we turn them out and we close the door
Myself, I've been forgiven for so many awful things
I've been cleansed and washed and bathed so many times
That when I see a brother who has fallen from the way
I just can't find the license to convict him of his crimes
So I say...
(Chorus)

That doesn't mean we turn our heads when we see a brother sin
And pretend that what he's doing is all right
We must help him see his error, we must lead him to repent
Cry with those who cry, but bring their deeds into the light
For it's the sick that need the doctor, and it's the lame that need the crutch
It's the prodigal who needs the loving hand
For a man who's in despair there should be kindness from his friends
'Lest he should forsake the fear of almighty God and turn away from God and man
So I say...
(Chorus)

I Thessalonians 5:14 ~ "And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone."

Copyright 1982 Sea of Glass Music

WHY WE HURT EACH OTHER

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 07:35:58 PST

Why do people, especially Christians, say and do hurtful things to those who are already hurting? This question runs through my mind several times a week, or as often as I hear someone share a personal story of how their current situation actually became worse because of the way in which they were treated.

I heard it again recently when I had the opportunity to listen to a friend who is suffering with a very painful physical condition. As “Ashley” began to share with me about her physical problem, she gradually moved to a more sensitive issue -- the judgment she feels from others, especially Christians, and the advice, sometimes even admonishment, they so quickly give her.

Ashley had had a very difficult week due the demands of the holiday season. Attending various social gatherings had taken its toll on her physical body and she was experiencing more pain in her body than usual. And the pain and stress was wearing her down emotionally as well. An individual whom Ashley would have called a “friend” noticed that she was down. The “friend” decided to encourage Ashley by giving her “spiritual” advice. However, instead of being encouraged, Ashley became more discouraged. This "friend" didn't take time to listen to Ashley's heart... Never gave her a chance to share her true thoughts and feelings. Instead, Ashley was subjected to a lengthy one-sided discussion of the things she should be doing to improve her mood and her situation.

It is so easy to nonchalantly offer advice and solutions when we’re not the one who is hurting! It is so sad that, after an experience such as this, those who are hurting no longer desire to be in the company of such "friends." At the very least, they do not feel comfortable sharing freely with someone who has hurt them by attempting to fix the situation or tell them what they should have done differently. This only results in adding insult (in the form of guilt and shame) to the injury.

Have you read the biblical account of Job lately? He had “friends” who did the same to him. It was not helpful. And those “friends” were eventually reprimanded by God.

We all need to realize that a person who is hurting physically is sometimes experiencing emotional pain as well. The hurting individual needs someone to listen and demonstrate compassion; not someone to judge or offer cheap advice.

I am convinced that many times we hurt others out of ignorance. Many times people really do have good intentions but are just not aware of how hurtful their comments really are. God has given me a burden to teach others that one of the greatest ways to be compassionate is to listen with our hearts. This is not a skill that comes naturally to most of us, but it IS a skill that anyone can learn.

Oh God, where are the people who are willing to listen to those who are hurting? This is a question that has haunted me for more than 30 years. I pray that God will raise up true Christ followers who are willing to put the needs of others before their own and learn how to truly listen to the hearts of others.