WE MUST ALSO LISTEN TO GOD!
Posted by Richard on Thursday, August 5, 2010 at 9:47am
If you love someone, you want to listen to them. You want to hear what they have to say. You want to know them in a deep and personal way, and the only way to do that is to listen to them. All of us know people who talk, talk, talk, and aren’t really interested in listening to the other person in the conversation. They’re very tiresome people, aren’t they? Through their constant talking, what they really communicate is that they are the most important person in the relationship. What they’re really saying is, “I want you to know me, but I am not very interested in knowing you.” When you do get a word edgewise, they are pretty likely to interrupt you with their response, even before you’re finished with what you’re saying. They lack a still center where they’re content to be still and hear what the other person has to say. How often do we do that to God? Every time we pray and don’t take time to listen, we become that hyper-talkative person. How would it be if we were actually still before God and paid attention to what He had to say? At our prayer breakfast last Saturday, we talked about the difference between reflexive and reflective listening. A *reflexive listener* listens with her reflexes. She’s always thinking about what she’s going to say next, in response to the speaker. She’s not really focused on what’s being said. A reflective listener, on the other hand, takes time to reflect on what’s being said. She may even reflect, or repeat, what she thinks she’s heard back to the speaker for clarification. The reflective speaker actually wants to understand. When you pray, do you take time to listen to God, or do you just say your prayers, say “amen,” and then you’re done? Why are you praying to begin with—to have God know you more? He couldn’t possibly know you more than He already does! You’re praying so that you can know God more. And for that, you’ve got to listen. “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening (1Samuel 13:10).” Thoughts borrowed from: http://revgregsmith.blogspot.com/2010/03/partnering-in-prayer-lenten-devotion_26.html Reflective Listening
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HOW TO RESPOND TO QUESTIONS WITHOUT ANSWERING THEM!
Posted by Richard on Monday, August 2, 2010 at 4:46pm
If you're not sure where to begin your journey of improving your communication skills, let me suggest that you practice NOT answering questions presented to you. It's pretty simple, really, and is a great place to start. Refraining from answering questions is a great way to begin to get out of the way in a conversation and allow the speaker to take you (the listener) where he needs to go. You'll be amazed at how most people will continue sharing what's on their heart when you simply don't answer their questions! The first thing to settle in our minds is that just because someone asks us a question really does not mean that they want us to answer it! Yeah, I know, that sounds ridiculous. But once you try it, you'll see what I mean. A skilled listener is one who frees himself from the responsibility of answering the speaker's questions or resolving the speaker's problems. As a listener, we must relieve ourselves of this obligation and instead take strides to refrain from answering any questions. Here's how... and there are several ways to avoid answering a question, for those of you who like to have options! Option #1: REFLECT This is where we reflect back to the speaker -- in statement format -- what we have heard him say. Ex: Speaker: "What do you think I should do?" Listener's response: "It sounds as if you're not sure what you should do." Option # 2: DEFLECT When deflecting, the listener essentially lets the speaker's question deflect off of him as he changes the speaker's question into a statement and bounces it back to the speaker for a response. Deflecting a question gives us the opportunity to let the speaker know that the most important thing is not how we feel, but how he feels. Ex: Speaker: "What do you think I should do?" Listener's response: "Right now I'm more interested in what you think you should do." Option # 3: INSPECT When we respond to the speaker's question using the inspecting option, we invite the speaker to provide more information. We do this WITHOUT ASKING A QUESTION! All of our responses will be in statement rather than question format. Inspecting is a very non-threatening, non-invasive way of seeking more information without asking a question. Ex: Speaker: "What do you think I should do?" Listener's response: "I'd like to hear some of the things that you've already done." Option # 4: IGNORE The fourth alternative to answering a question is to not respond to the question at all. This is called ignoring the question. Ignoring the question is the best option for the listener when the speaker is sharing a lot of information in the midst of the listening experience. When we respond to a question with silence, it gives the speaker time to think. And, it's fun to watch as many times the speaker will continue on and answer his own question! Have fun practicing the four options to not answering a question! Make a mental note of the responses you get. Does it feel awkward to you to not answer a question or doesn't the speaker even notice? We'd love to hear about your experiences as you practice becoming a better reflective listener! Reflective Listening
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UNDERSTANDING FEELINGS AS A LISTENER
Posted by Richard on Monday, July 19, 2010 at 7:25am
Today I've chosen to have a guest editorial because Debbie Elder sums up so well the aspect of "feelings" when it comes to listening effectively. THE POWER IS IN THE FEELINGS! By Debbie Elder Have you ever tried to comfort a child, friend, spouse, or co worker only to be at a loss for words? Often times in life we don't have all the answers and the good news is the people we are trying to comfort know that. What is important is that you listen and understand what they are feeling. Often when unhappy feelings are denied or dismissed we become more upset. Even a logical solution doesn't always seem to help. Feeling as though you have been heard is a rare thing. How many times have you told your story to an uninterested, multi-tasking listener? Active listening requires an individual to nod, respond with words like "oh" or "mmm," and in some cases, name the feeling. Reflective listening lets the speaker know that you understand the feelings behind what is and is not being said. Reflective listening provides a mirror for the speaker so they can see themselves more clearly. When using open responses you can let the speaker know you understand the message and have heard the feelings behind the words. Good listeners are also aware of the non-verbal communication. Our actions, facial expressions, and tone of voice communicate whether or not we are listening. We can communicate non-verbally through a smile, a frown, or a pat on the back. When we respond non-judgmentally by accepting the feelings and meaning of the speaker, both verbally and non-verbally, we strengthen empathy and communication. "They don't care what you know, until they know you care" summarizes the point. A good listener is sensitive to the feelings that accompany the message. Validating a person's feelings allows them to move forward and find a solution, even if the solution is to accept the situation and move on. http://nationalhomeschoolacademy.blogspot.com/2010/05/power-is-in-feelings.html
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REMINDER: BIBLICAL REASONS FOR BEING A LISTENER
Posted by Richard on Friday, July 16, 2010 at 9:56am
Here are some convincing reasons from the Holy Scriptures, God's inerrant Word to us, why we should purpose to become listeners: James 1:19 – "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry . . ." Proverbs 18:13 – "He who answers before listening — that is his folly and his shame." Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 7b – "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven . . . . a time to be silent and a time to speak . . ." Proverbs 18:2 -- "A fool has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart." Philippians 2:4 – "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." I Corinthians 10:24 – "Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others." It’s not about us — It’s about what God wants to do through us and how He will use us to touch lives if we are yielded to Him! (Scripture reference quotes taken from the New International Version of The Holy Bible) Reflective Listening
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ENCOURAGING HONESTY IN OTHERS
Posted by Richard on Thursday, May 27, 2010 at 5:08am
It's been a while since I've blogged here, but I hope to catch up and continue to offer tips and short stories that will encourage you to pursue the skill of reflective listening. It truly is one of the best ways I know to demonstrate compassion toward others! Author Max Lucado in his book Cast of Characters makes a simple yet profound statement. On page 48 he states: “Kindness has a way of inviting honesty.” Listening to one who is struggling is one of the kindest things a person can do. Jesus in John 8:32 said, “ You will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” Many people fear being honest about their feelings or their situation because they feel judgment will be the result. If we want someone to be honest with us, we must first demonstrate that we will listen and not judge them. Asking questions, giving advice, answering questions and self-editorializing can be ways we subtlely judge others. When we listen reflectively, however, we provide a safe environment for people to share honestly. Helping them get in touch with their real feelings is an important step to helping them become free. Please endeavor to help your loved ones, acquaintances and even strangers become free. Please listen to others without judging them. Reflective Listening
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