WHERE TO START WHEN CHANGING OLD HABITS
Posted by Richard on Saturday, February 6, 2010 at 8:25am
Sometimes after attending a seminar on Reflective Listening skills, an individual will become overwhelmed and ask, "Where do I start?" and "How long will it take for me to learn this?" I won't kid you -- It can be daunting, even overwhelming, to attempt to change habits that have been ingrained into our lifestyle and interactions for the duration of a lifetime. However, before any long-term effective change can occurr, two things must be in place. In order to change our habits of communication, we must have two things: first, we must have *an awareness of the need for change* in our communication practices; and, second, we must have the *desire to change. As anyone who has ever tried to improve themselves knows, old habits die hard. We must be diligent if we want to replace those habits with newer, healthier ones. It takes a lot of effort and practice. And, we should not become discouraged if our interactions become more difficult before they actually become easier and more rewarding (which they will, if we are determined to persevere!). Unless we are already skilled in reflective listening, we will probably go through a painful time as we gain an awareness of how our former communication practices have negatively affected our relationships with others. When we realize how our use of the various stumbling blocks in the past has actually hindered effective relations, it is a very sobering moment. However, we must not stop there! We can be encouraged by this because the fact that we are now becoming aware* of this indicates that we are on the right track. Being aware is the first step to making the changes that are necessary to improve our communication with others. Desiring change enough to pursue it is the second step -- and leads to wonderful results! So, how long will it take to really learn the skill of reflective listening? It depends on how badly we want to learn it and how hard we are willing to work to achieve it. "To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well." ~ John Marshall Communication Skills
Print this \| Permanent Link \| E-mail a friend \| Add a comment \| 0 comments

REFLECTIVE LISTENING BELIEF #6
Posted by Richard on Wednesday, February 3, 2010 at 8:52am
Today I'll mention the sixth and final belief of a successful reflective listener. BELIEF #6: A primary purpose for life is to love, care for and help others. What we spend our time on is what we believe is important. If we spend more time playing with our material "toys" and worrying about our "stuff" than we do nurturing and listening to people, then we are not accomplishing what God has put us on this earth to do. People are eternal. Mortal, yes. But also eternal. We have the option of living forever. People are the only thing we can take with us from this life into the next. When we reach out to others with compassion and love, we are fulfilling the biblical mandate of Matthew 6:20: "Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal." By listening to someone, we might also have the opportunity to share Jesus and the gift of eternal life with them. (See Belief #5) If we are willing to embrace these six beliefs as our own, we are well on our way to becoming successful reflective listeners! Belief Systems
Print this \| Permanent Link \| E-mail a friend \| Add a comment \| 0 comments

REFLECTIVE LISTENING BELIEF #5
Posted by Richard on Monday, February 1, 2010 at 9:13am
A successful reflective listener believes that ... BELIEF #5: Listening can have spiritual significance. By this, I mean that we have to be careful to not discredit listening and label it as a "non-spiritual" activity. Listening can be an evangelistic tool. Most people in our world of lost souls will be more receptive both to us and to the message of God's love if we first demonstrate our love and compassion for them. One of the greatest ways to demonstrate love and compassion for someone is to listen to him. When we take the time to really hear the issues of the heart of another person, we validate him as a unique and loved individual. Listening also enables us to develop rapport and trust with another person. Once we have established a trusting relationship, we can pray for opportunities to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with them. But we need to be careful to listen to them first or they might feel as if we are only preaching at them, instead of really caring about them. We can't love what we don't know. We get to know someone by listening to what is on his heart. I have found this statement to be true: "People won't care how much you know until they know how much you care." Care about someone today -- Share God's love with another today -- Listen with your heart today!
Print this \| Permanent Link \| E-mail a friend \| Add a comment \| 0 comments

BELIEF #4 OF REFLECTIVE LISTENING
Posted by Richard on Thursday, January 28, 2010 at 8:26am
The fourth belief of a reflective listener is this ~ BELIEF #4: It is important to listen to others without demonstrating an attitude of judgment or condemnation. This is a crucial belief to embrace because when we judge the speaker or condemn her for her actions, thoughts, or feelings, she will most likely shut down and stop being open with us. In order to listen well, we must suspend judgment and condemnation. In Luke 6:37 we are given this admonition: "Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you." Mary Field Belenky, consultant on human development, challenges us with this truth: "Really listening and suspending one's own judgment is necessary in order to understand other people on their own terms.... This is a process that requires trust and builds trust." Listening without judging tends to be more difficult for individuals who are in positions of authority. If we can focus on listening without entertaining judgmental thoughts toward the speaker regardless of the topic or issue, we will be better equipped to hear her turmoil and feel her pain or joy. It becomes much easier to empathize with someone when we set aside our own feelings and attempt to understand the emotions she is experiencing. I want to clarify here that empathizing with someone does not mean that we agree with or condone sinful behavior. Nor does empathizing with the speaker mean that we ignore an issue that warrants discipline or correction. We do, however, want to provide a safe place, as much as it is possible, for the individual to explore and express what is on her heart. And, as we truly listen reflectively, we can offer just that. For more information on my book Please Listen to Me! or about the seminars Joanne and I offer, please visit www.peopletopeopleministries.org Join our fan page on Facebook (People to People Ministries) or follow us on Twitter @Pple2PpleMinist Belief Systems
Print this \| Permanent Link \| E-mail a friend \| Add a comment \| 0 comments

BELIEF #3 OF A SUCCESSFUL REFLECTIVE LISTENER
Posted by Richard on Tuesday, January 26, 2010 at 7:28am
The third belief to which a successful reflective listener adheres is this ~ BELIEF #3: Even though the skill might seem unnatural or mechanical at first, it can be one of the most powerful communication tools a person can possess. When we begin to practice the skill of reflective listening, it often feels awkward or unnatural at first. Our mind is consciously thinking about the technique (and working hard to refrain from each of the stumbling blocks!) and we might think we are coming across to the other person as clinical or impersonal. The truth is that we are probably listening more effectively than ever before! And keep this truth in mind too: The other person is not aware of what is going on in our mind. They can't see all of the thoughts that race as we discipline ourselves to really listen. In fact, they will very likely sense that they are being heard and validated. Here's more good news -- As we persevere and continue to practice reflective listening, we will find that our conscious efforts eventually become unconscious actions. (How quickly this shift occurs depends upon how diligently we practice the skill!) And because reflective listening is a skill, it requires conscious effort and concentration initially. In this way, it's similar to learning how to ride a bicycle or drive a vehicle. For a beginning driver, learning to drive requires much concentration and may even feel mechanical as they check off the things they must do before going on the road. The more frequently we get behind the wheel and consciously go through the routine, the more quickly that routine becomes an unconscious habit. Few people give up learning to ride a bike or drive a car just because of the amount of effort involved. Those who persevere become quite adept at these skills even though many other distractions might fight for their attention. The same is true for those who seriously desire to become reflective listeners. If we determine to fight through the feeling that it's mechanical or "fake," we will undoubtedly become more effective listeners and communicators. Belief Systems
Print this \| Permanent Link \| E-mail a friend \| Add a comment \| 0 comments