WHAT'S WRONG WITH ASKING QUESTIONS??
Posted by Richard on Tuesday, February 23, 2010 at 9:54am
As I've outlined in my book Please Listen to Me!, asking questions while attempting to listen is the #1 stumbling block to effective communication. Let's take another look at why this is so. Questions are notorious for interrupting the natural flow of thought and speech. When we ask a question, this abruptly stops the speaker's train of thought and forces his thought processes to change direction in order to formulate a response. Now, both the speaker and the listener are off course! In fact, the speaker might never return to the same point in that conversation. Questions also have a way of stimulating more questions. It doesn't take long for the "would be" listener to become more concerned (or even consumed)with asking the questions that come to mind than with listening to the speaker. When we ask a question (or several), we are essentially telling the speaker that the answers to our questions are more important to us than what the speaker is attempting to say! And, if we're honest with ourselves, many times our questions are irrelevant to the real issue the speaker is attempting to share anyway. Asking questions also puts us (the would-be listener) in control of the conversation, rather than allowing the speaker to be in control. Unfortunately, because so many of us have such little experience with real listening, we are not comfortable being in the "passenger" seat of communication. As a result, we attempt to regain control as well as comfort by "steering" the conversation with our questions. If there would be just one of the 10 stumbling blocks that I wish everyone would try to eliminate, it is the stumbling block of Asking Questions. We would all be amazed at how much more we would hear and learn if we would refrain from interrupting the speaker with our questions! Now, having said that, there are times during a conversation that it is relevant and essential for the listener to ask for clarity. In my next blog entry, I am going to address an acceptable alternative to asking questions while listening to someone. You might be surprised at how easy it is, with just a bit of discipline, to turn your questions into statements! Communication Skills
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DON'T SHOOT THE WOUNDED!
Posted by Richard on Tuesday, February 16, 2010 at 7:59am
As a follow-up to the true story I shared in a recent entry, I want to share with you today the words to a relevant song called "Don't Shoot the Wounded." May we all be more inclined to be agents of love and healing rather than guilt and shame. DON'T SHOOT THE WOUNDED Chorus: Don't shoot the wounded, they need us more than ever They need our love no matter what it is they've done Sometimes we just condemn them, don't take the time to hear their story Don't shoot the wounded, Someday you might be one It's easy to love the people who are standing hard and fast Pressing on to meet that higher calling But the ones who might be struggling, we tend to judge too harshly And refuse to try and catch them when they're falling We put people into boxes and we draw our hard conclusions And when they do the things we know they should not do We sometimes write them off as hopeless and we throw them to the dogs Our compassion and forgiveness sometimes seem in short supply So I say... (Chorus) We can love them and forgive them when their sin does not exceed our own For we too have been down bumpy roads before But when they commit offenses outside the boundaries we have set We judge them in a word and we turn them out and we close the door Myself, I've been forgiven for so many awful things I've been cleansed and washed and bathed so many times That when I see a brother who has fallen from the way I just can't find the license to convict him of his crimes So I say... (Chorus) That doesn't mean we turn our heads when we see a brother sin And pretend that what he's doing is all right We must help him see his error, we must lead him to repent Cry with those who cry, but bring their deeds into the light For it's the sick that need the doctor, and it's the lame that need the crutch It's the prodigal who needs the loving hand For a man who's in despair there should be kindness from his friends 'Lest he should forsake the fear of almighty God and turn away from God and man So I say... (Chorus) I Thessalonians 5:14 ~ "And we urge you, brothers, warn those who are idle, encourage the timid, help the weak, be patient with everyone." Copyright 1982 Sea of Glass Music Hurting the wounded
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WHY WE HURT EACH OTHER
Posted by Richard on Friday, February 12, 2010 at 7:35am
Why do people, especially Christians, say and do hurtful things to those who are already hurting? This question runs through my mind several times a week, or as often as I hear someone share a personal story of how their current situation actually became worse because of the way in which they were treated. I heard it again recently when I had the opportunity to listen to a friend who is suffering with a very painful physical condition. As “Ashley” began to share with me about her physical problem, she gradually moved to a more sensitive issue -- the judgment she feels from others, especially Christians, and the advice, sometimes even admonishment, they so quickly give her. Ashley had had a very difficult week due the demands of the holiday season. Attending various social gatherings had taken its toll on her physical body and she was experiencing more pain in her body than usual. And the pain and stress was wearing her down emotionally as well. An individual whom Ashley would have called a “friend” noticed that she was down. The “friend” decided to encourage Ashley by giving her “spiritual” advice. However, instead of being encouraged, Ashley became more discouraged. This "friend" didn't take time to listen to Ashley's heart... Never gave her a chance to share her true thoughts and feelings. Instead, Ashley was subjected to a lengthy one-sided discussion of the things she should be doing to improve her mood and her situation. It is so easy to nonchalantly offer advice and solutions when we’re not the one who is hurting! It is so sad that, after an experience such as this, those who are hurting no longer desire to be in the company of such "friends." At the very least, they do not feel comfortable sharing freely with someone who has hurt them by attempting to fix the situation or tell them what they should have done differently. This only results in adding insult (in the form of guilt and shame) to the injury. Have you read the biblical account of Job lately? He had “friends” who did the same to him. It was not helpful. And those “friends” were eventually reprimanded by God. We all need to realize that a person who is hurting physically is sometimes experiencing emotional pain as well. The hurting individual needs someone to listen and demonstrate compassion; not someone to judge or offer cheap advice. I am convinced that many times we hurt others out of ignorance. Many times people really do have good intentions but are just not aware of how hurtful their comments really are. God has given me a burden to teach others that one of the greatest ways to be compassionate is to listen with our hearts. This is not a skill that comes naturally to most of us, but it IS a skill that anyone can learn. Oh God, where are the people who are willing to listen to those who are hurting? This is a question that has haunted me for more than 30 years. I pray that God will raise up true Christ followers who are willing to put the needs of others before their own and learn how to truly listen to the hearts of others. Reflective Listening
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WHERE TO START WHEN CHANGING OLD HABITS
Posted by Richard on Saturday, February 6, 2010 at 8:25am
Sometimes after attending a seminar on Reflective Listening skills, an individual will become overwhelmed and ask, "Where do I start?" and "How long will it take for me to learn this?" I won't kid you -- It can be daunting, even overwhelming, to attempt to change habits that have been ingrained into our lifestyle and interactions for the duration of a lifetime. However, before any long-term effective change can occurr, two things must be in place. In order to change our habits of communication, we must have two things: first, we must have *an awareness of the need for change* in our communication practices; and, second, we must have the *desire to change. As anyone who has ever tried to improve themselves knows, old habits die hard. We must be diligent if we want to replace those habits with newer, healthier ones. It takes a lot of effort and practice. And, we should not become discouraged if our interactions become more difficult before they actually become easier and more rewarding (which they will, if we are determined to persevere!). Unless we are already skilled in reflective listening, we will probably go through a painful time as we gain an awareness of how our former communication practices have negatively affected our relationships with others. When we realize how our use of the various stumbling blocks in the past has actually hindered effective relations, it is a very sobering moment. However, we must not stop there! We can be encouraged by this because the fact that we are now becoming aware* of this indicates that we are on the right track. Being aware is the first step to making the changes that are necessary to improve our communication with others. Desiring change enough to pursue it is the second step -- and leads to wonderful results! So, how long will it take to really learn the skill of reflective listening? It depends on how badly we want to learn it and how hard we are willing to work to achieve it. "To listen well is as powerful a means of communication and influence as to talk well." ~ John Marshall Communication Skills
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REFLECTIVE LISTENING BELIEF #6
Posted by Richard on Wednesday, February 3, 2010 at 8:52am
Today I'll mention the sixth and final belief of a successful reflective listener. BELIEF #6: A primary purpose for life is to love, care for and help others. What we spend our time on is what we believe is important. If we spend more time playing with our material "toys" and worrying about our "stuff" than we do nurturing and listening to people, then we are not accomplishing what God has put us on this earth to do. People are eternal. Mortal, yes. But also eternal. We have the option of living forever. People are the only thing we can take with us from this life into the next. When we reach out to others with compassion and love, we are fulfilling the biblical mandate of Matthew 6:20: "Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal." By listening to someone, we might also have the opportunity to share Jesus and the gift of eternal life with them. (See Belief #5) If we are willing to embrace these six beliefs as our own, we are well on our way to becoming successful reflective listeners! Belief Systems
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