THE REASSURING STUMBLING BLOCK -- SOME ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS
Posted by Richard on Tuesday, June 23, 2009 at 3:28am
I'd like to add a few more thoughts about the stumbling block of reassuring. Here is another wonderful reminder from God's Word: Romans 12:15 -- "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." When we attempt to reassure or cheer up someone who has suffered a terrible loss or who is going through a tough time for any reason it is like attempting to rejoice with someone who is mourning. It's generally not well received and if anyone is going to feel better afterward it will be us, not the person who is struggling. In order to be compassionate and empathetic (hurting with the other person), we need to recognize and validate the emotions as well as the situation the other person is experiencing at that time. We need to choose our words carefully. It is important to be sure that what comes out of our mouth is not only truthful but also kind and positive and edifying and lines up with the word of God!
Print this \| Permanent Link \| E-mail a friend \| Add a comment \| 0 comments

REASSURING THE SPEAKER -- STUMBLING BLOCK #7
Posted by Richard on Saturday, June 13, 2009 at 9:22am
A stumbling block is anything (any action or statement) that impedes or interferes with effective communication. As listeners, our role is to provide a safe, non-threatening place for the speaker to share his deepest thoughts and feelings. The seventh stumbling block to effective communication is REASSURING THE SPEAKER. Most people are surprised by this since "reassuring" sounds like such a positive thing to do. First, let's talk about what it is and then I'll address the various reasons why it's really not helpful to reassure someone when you are attempting to listen. There are a variety of ways in which we use reassuring, however, the most common way consists of phrases that we use to help the speaker feel better about his or her situation (at least that is our intention). Some examples of such phrases are: "Don't worry. Everything will work out just fine." "By this time next week, you won't even remember this." "Time heals all wounds." "God is in control." "You're resourceful. You'll figure it out." "Cheer up!" "Smile! Things can only get better." Though these and other similar statements we make to "cheer" someone up appear to be positive, encouraging and often even true... they generally serve only to make us feel better. These statements (though backed with good intentions) really do not help the other person in any way, at least not more than momentarily. Here are some reasons why: Reassuring statements do not validate an individual's immediate feelings or situation Reassuring statements tend to minimize the very real and present emotions of the other person Often, the reassuring statement is not true (at least, it cannot be guaranteed by us!) Reassuring the other person can come across as a "put-down" to the other person; in essence we are saying to him or her that "you really shouldn't be feeling this way" It does not pave the way to providing a safe place for the other person to share openly and honestly It really does not serve a productive purpose to slap someone on the back with a hearty "You can do it!" when they are feeling overwhelmed and would benefit more by having a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on. Why do we so quickly tend to reassure others? One reason might be that we are uncomfortable with emotions that are sad or painful. However, in attempting to make the other person feel better, we succeed only in making ourselves feel better. The other person still has his pain or his sadness to deal with and to work through. And, after carelessly being reassured, he might also have some anger -- anger toward someone who might have helped had you or I been willing and knowledgeable in doing so! The best thing we can do for someone who appears to need some encouragement is to validate his feelings by listening to him, by reflecting back to him, by allowing him to work it through. We might not have the answer (if we are a seasoned listener we know we don't have the answer!) and we might not be able to bring resolution to the situation, but if we are willing, we can demonstrate love to a hurting individual by offering a listening heart and a shoulder to cry on. Two challenges from God's Word to think about the next time we are tempted to reassure someone: 1) Proverbs 25:20 -- "Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured into a wound, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart." 2) Ephesians 4:29 -- "Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." May we ask for the Holy Spirit to guard our tongues and let us speak only those words that bring life to others!
Print this \| Permanent Link \| E-mail a friend \| Add a comment \| 0 comments

CHANGING THE SUBJECT -- STUMBLING BLOCK #6
Posted by Richard on Wednesday, May 27, 2009 at 8:21am
Stumbling Block # 6 is "Changing the Subject." As we've discussed previously, in a listening situation the listener must stay focused on the speaker. Anything the listener does to deter or disrupt that focus will serve only to impede the speaker as he attempts to get to the root of the issue. There are several reasons why we are sometimes tempted to change the subject when someone is sharing with us. The most common reason is because the speaker has begun to share something with which we are not comfortable. Perhaps they have evoked in us an unpleasant emotion or memories which we'd rather not experience. The natural reaction is to steer the conversation to "safe" ground. Safe, but only for us. The speaker obviously has a need to share about that topic or he wouldn't have brought it up in the first place. Any time we divert the topic at hand to a different subject, we are taking control of the conversation and reducing or even eliminating the opportunities the speaker has to work through the issue and to find resolution. We need to keep reminding ourselves: "It's not about me. It's not about me. It's not about me." The most important thing is not our comfort; the most important thing is to allow the other individual to process an issue in such a way (and to whatever depth is required) that ultimately allows emotional healing to take place. Reminder: Becoming a reflective listener rarely, if ever, happens overnight! It requires the desire to learn this skill and the determination to practice until we can effectively use it. We must not give up! This skill can be learned by anyone. It is life-changing and the rewards are great -- for both us and the person to whom we are listening. God will use us to touch the lives of others as we yield ourselves to Him and set aside "self" in order to help someone else!
Print this \| Permanent Link \| E-mail a friend \| Add a comment \| 0 comments

SELF-EDITORIALIZING ~ STUMBLING BLOCK #5
Posted by Richard on Wednesday, May 20, 2009 at 3:25pm
Stumbling Block #4 was telling someone "I know just how you feel!" Those of us who are prone to use this stumbling block will very likely also fall prey to Stumbling Block #5. After we've told someone we know how they feel, we often find it necessary to "prove" that by sharing our own personal experience. I refer to Stumbling Block #5 as "Self-Editorializing." Self-editorializing simply means talking about oneself. This stumbling block occurs when the would-be listener shifts the focus from the speaker to himself by telling his own story. In fact, very often the roles quickly change and the person who was speaking is forced to become the listener. Whether we do this consciously or not, self-editorializing demonstrates a blatant disregard for the speaker's emotions. Allow me to use the following fictional illustration to demonstrate what I mean: Mary and Fran unexpectedly see each other at the grocery store late one evening. They engage in small talk until Fran begins to share a problem her son is having on the school bus. As Fran tells Mary about the situation in which another boy bullies her son on the bus, Mary frequently interrupts Fran to ask questions. Unfortunately, what happens next is all too common. Mary begins to share about an incident that her son experienced on the bus two years earlier. Mary gives a detailed account of her son’s experience while Fran, though frustrated, patiently listens. It's very likely that Mary believes that this will somehow be comforting to Fran. Sadly, the conversation never returns to Fran’s concern about her son’s situation. As the women depart the store Mary feels really good that she was able to identify with Fran’s problem by sharing her own story. Fran, however, feels extremely frustrated and discouraged because someone she trusted did not allow her to vent her feelings and process the struggle she was having with a difficult situation in her life. Her heart feels even heavier than it did before. It is truly sad how often such a scenario occurs in real life. As listeners, we need to keep the focus on the speaker and not give in to the common temptation to talk about ourselves. We need to come to terms with the reality that a person who is in the throes of his or her own pain (or joy) really does not want or need to hear about ours!
Print this \| Permanent Link \| E-mail a friend \| Add a comment \| 0 comments

ALTERNATIVES TO SAYING "I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!"
Posted by Richard on Sunday, May 17, 2009 at 1:01pm
Before healthy habits can be developed, destructive ones must be identified. In fact, one of the greatest motivators of change is for someone to recognize how their current practices are negatively effecting their relationships. Practicing healthy communication skills is a great way to eliminate unhealthy communication skills. As always, I encourage others to be honest in their relationships. As a follow-up to Stumbling Block #4, the honest truth is that we really DO NOT KNOW how the other person feels. If we are frequently tempted to tell others "I know how you feel," here are some alternative phrases that are more truthful and will demonstrate genuine compassion and sincere concern for the other person's situation: "I have no idea how that must make you feel, but I'm here for you." "I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through right now but if you'd like to talk about it, I'm willing to listen." "I've never experienced that situation, but it sounds as if you are really excited about it!" With each of the phrases above, I've included language that either identifies an emotion I sense the other person is experiencing or an invitation for him/her to share more. In all cases, the individual will very likely sense that I care for them, that I hear/see their joy/sadness, and that I'm very willing for them to share more if they are comfortable in doing so.* *We must be very careful to never push someone to disclose information that they aren't comfortable disclosing. This will never serve to benefit us or our relationship with them!
Print this \| Permanent Link \| E-mail a friend \| Add a comment \| 0 comments